Dear Doctor,

I am an a devout lesbian. My partner of two weeks, Mathilde, has just been diagnosed as having a severe case of vagina dentata. The doctors and dentists all tell us there is no cure and to take special precautions when engaging in sexual activity. We want to follow doctors' orders, but are not sure how. Should we invest in dental dams? Are we ever going to be able to have normal sex again?

R. D. Frader
Fort Lynn, NJ

Dear Artie,

Vagina dentata? I had to get out the old Physician's Desk Reference for that one. At first I thought it was a new flavor of Doritoes. After reading up on it, I realize that I too once had this unfortunate and debilitating condition. But my case was worse than Mathilde's, I'm sure, as it was complicated by both gingivitis and a pronounced overbite. Your doctors are wrong, there is a cure. Tell molar muff to get fitted with a retainer and avoid sweets. Investing in dental dams is an option, but remember--- buy low sell high.