Dear Doctor,

I am one of a pair of siamese twins joined at the forehead. My sister is asleep now, so I'm taking the opportunity to write. You don't know what it's like. She makes rude noises, she has morning breath, she's a bore at parties--- and I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM HER! The doctors say that we cannot be separated until one of us dies. My question is, how do I kill her? She mustn't know I wrote you, so sign me...

Flipper
My Parent's House

Flippy,

You are on the horns of a dilemma.  I would suggest poison but, as you share the same circulatory system, that's out. Your best bet is Compound W. Apply generously at night before bedtime. It may take several years but eventually she'll shrivel up and flake off. Good luck to you!