a basket of fruit.
dark glasses
a date
vodka, vermouth, olives, martini glasses

Take your fruit basket and prick a tiny hole in each piece of fruit to make it look like something sinister has been injected into it.

Prominently display the basket in your bachelor pad.

Take your date to a nice restaurant.

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When leaving the restaurant with your date, don dark glasses and constantly look back over your shoulder. If an opportunity presents itself, duck quickly into an alley and wait for the nearest crowd to pass. When your date questions this, say you’re "just trying to throw them off the trail." Do not elaborate on who they are. No matter what you do, don’t laugh or in any way admit to play-acting. You’ll just look silly if you do this half-assed.

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If driving, at a stop light yell "get down!" and push your date to the floorboards. You say "Bogey on our tail. You musn’t be seen with me!"

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Once home, get down on hands and knees in hallway. Peer closely at the carpet nap and gingerly pick up a strand of hair or particle of lint. "Looks like we’ve had company." You say. Then make a big production of throwing open doors, checking behind shower curtains, etc.

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Once you’ve "secured the area", prepare two vodka martinis. (Don’t bother asking first. If you do, your date might request something deflating like hot tea or diet soda.)

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Offer your date a piece of fruit, but just as they are about to bite into it, slap it out of their hand. Point out the sinister needle prick. "Pretty clumsy, eh? I’m guessing the Red Tong."

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Later, when your date goes to use the bathroom, run to the circuit box and shut off the main circuit, casting your entire apartment into darkness. As your date emerges from the bathroom say "Damn them, they must have disabled the emergency generator. Quick! In here!" Pull them into the bedroom.

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Light the candle by your bed. Say "I’m sorry to drag you into this. I might have signed up for danger, but you’re just a civilian." Push an armoire or other large piece of furniture against bedroom door. Say, "There’ll be no more surprises tonight." Move in for a languid kiss. "Well, maybe one or two."