1. Spoons, obviously. Silverplate is acceptable. Grapefruit spoons with serated edges are to be avoided.
2. One full set of heavy-duty laminated playing cards.

In this game you will fight over an insufficient number of utensils. Occasional bloodshed will occur but, of course, its all just fun and games until you get hurt.

1. Players are seated around a table with a scratch resistant, or previously marred surface.

As success in this game requires speed and strength, try to sit next to and across from any opponents who appear slow-reflexed, feeble, palsied, or pre-pubescent as this will increase your odds of advancing to later rounds.

2. Array spoons on table in any pattern so that spoons are roughly equidistant to all players. The number of spoons should equal the number of players minus 1. (6 players would use 5 spoons, etc.)

Particpate in spoon arrangment to "tip" the spoons in your favor. (Hint, in tug-of-wars it is easier to maintain your grasp when you have the spoon by its head rather than its handle.)

4. One person volunteers to deal the first round. (For later rounds, the deal will pass to the left).
5. Four cards are dealt to each player.
   
6. Dealer draws a single card from remaining pile of cards and quickly discards, creating a new pile within easy reach of the person on his left.
7. Player to dealer's left draws from that pile and, likewise, discards to her left.
8. Each player repeats this process, in turn and as quickly as possible, searching for four-of-a-kind.

Grabbing multiple cards and disacarding them all at once may annoy and disorient the player to your left, thereby increasing your chances of advancing to later rounds.

9. Eventually someone will obtain four cards of the same kind. At that point he should grab a spoon. Once the first spoon is removed, all remaining spoons are up for grabs. A fierce and vicious melee ensues as other players attempt to grab a spoon

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a. You may be unnerved at the level of physically and, well, outright bloodlust exhibited by certain players. For example, while you may be her favorite grandchild, the look in granny's eyes says she'd pry that spoon out of your cold dead hand if need be. If possible, change the seating arrangement to avoid close proximity to Granny for later rounds.

b. When retrieving a spoon, remember to grasp it firmly and pull it close to your chest. Immediately push back from the table, well out of reach of remaining players. Look mean and ready for a fight, else larger, spoonless and desperate players may be tempted to rip the spoon from your grasp.

c. If you do find yourself in a tug-of-war with a physically stronger opponent, scream out loudly, pretending injury (whilst not letting go of the spoon). This may work to guilt the stronger opponent into letting go. But don't count on it. Truly advanced players will read your cry of anguish as a sign of vulnerability and press the advantage.

d. Determine who your real competition is among the other players at the table and, whenever you grab a spoon, always attempt to knock remaining spoons well out of their reach.

e. Tough, calloused hands are your best ally in a spoon tug-of-war. Soaking your hands in pickle brine for several hours prior to a match works wonders.

For each round, the player who fails to secure a spoon gets a letter against them. Players who acquire the letters S-P-O-O-N are elimintated from the game. Also, if a player grabs a spoon before at least one player at the table has a four of a kind, that player gets a letter as penalty. This penalty only applies to the first person to grab a spoon.

Some people prefer "sudden death" scoring. Once the first person has been eliminated, the letter system is abandoned and the spoonless player in every succeeding round is booted unceremoniously from the game.

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Some people award children "handicaps" by assisting them in reaching a spoon, or allowing them to continue in the game when they would otherwise have been eliminated. We here at Spoons Central discourage this practice as it gives the little ones a false sense of entitlement and ill-prepares them for life's hard lessons.

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Eventually the game will be reduced to 2 players and one spoon. At this stage the dealer always has a marked advantage in that he or she can run through the deck more quickly, find four matching cards and beat the other player to the single spoon. In rare instances the non-dealer, who is probably cheating in some manner, may be able to predict when her opponent acquires the fourth card in a four of a kind. Acting on her prediction, she can preemptively grab the spoon and cheat her opponent of his rightful victory. While rare, it has happened and the winning player in such an event will never let you forget it, harping on it endlessly at subsequent family gatherings.